If I had to cut Fives' heart out with my own hands to save the baby clones from growing up to be slave soldiers, I would do it. I'm not going to his time for him, no matter how much I love him.
And there are no angels. I'm a monster. I've known that for centuries. But I am a necessary monster. I've done everything I could do for my world, and I died for it, and now that - that certain cycles and powers are broken - if I went back, I would only do more damage than the fight was worth. I wanted to be done, Rhys, I cannot. Express. How much I wanted to die. How angry I was at the Admiral for telling me I couldn't, that I had to keep going, keep fighting, do something new. But Fives told me about his little brothers, and I thought, alright. That would be worth living for, lurching along for, learning to do something besides war for. So I care first about those children, who were made to be slaves and told to be proud of dying for the people content to accept the convenience of not fighting their own battles at the behest of another soul-sucking black hole of a tyrant playing every side. And I do believe I'll make a better galaxy than he does, but I haven't lost focus. I know exactly who I'm saving first, and who I'm willing to burn.
Does that make me justified? Hardly. It's not about justice, there is no justice, the millions I've killed never agreed to die for a chance at a better world, and I had no right to decide for them. Justice would never have allowed my world to exist in the first place. I can't...achieve justice, I can't imagine what it would look like. But I care about the future, and I can affect the future. And I've chosen the clones' future to fight for now because they get me in the few raw places I am weak, and because no one else ever would.
[He drags a hand down his face.]
You think I'm dismissive of everyone who disagrees just because I'm angry at you. Complacent isn't the same as apathetic. Complacent is the natural human state. People learn to bear what they must. People can be very good and not willing to push for change. If the system is designed insidiously enough, people can be completely right, that rocking the boat will cause bloodshed and suffering and only catastrophic destruction could succeed in truly changing things. But when the ship is being steered by a colder monster into pack-ice to starve everyone for generation after generation, the better to suck the marrow from their bones - then yes. I am going to call down catastrophe. I will burn the rigging and learn to swim. As carefully as I can, but I will fucking do it.
You can't wake me up, Rhys, because I am skullfucking awake. I am aware of the costs. I have suffered more than you can imagine, more than I could have imagined before it happened, for the chance to wake other people up to the course our world was on, to the truth that it didn't have to be what it was. I don't think less of you for being wary of catastrophe. But I do think less of you for being so proud of your certainty that everyone in history in every circumstance willing to burn something rotten to the ground is equally deluded, and every horror on every world is equally balanced and - ennobled and made worthwhile by the proud struggles underneath it, and so no one should ever try.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-01-18 03:34 am (UTC)And there are no angels. I'm a monster. I've known that for centuries. But I am a necessary monster. I've done everything I could do for my world, and I died for it, and now that - that certain cycles and powers are broken - if I went back, I would only do more damage than the fight was worth. I wanted to be done, Rhys, I cannot. Express. How much I wanted to die. How angry I was at the Admiral for telling me I couldn't, that I had to keep going, keep fighting, do something new. But Fives told me about his little brothers, and I thought, alright. That would be worth living for, lurching along for, learning to do something besides war for. So I care first about those children, who were made to be slaves and told to be proud of dying for the people content to accept the convenience of not fighting their own battles at the behest of another soul-sucking black hole of a tyrant playing every side. And I do believe I'll make a better galaxy than he does, but I haven't lost focus. I know exactly who I'm saving first, and who I'm willing to burn.
Does that make me justified? Hardly. It's not about justice, there is no justice, the millions I've killed never agreed to die for a chance at a better world, and I had no right to decide for them. Justice would never have allowed my world to exist in the first place. I can't...achieve justice, I can't imagine what it would look like. But I care about the future, and I can affect the future. And I've chosen the clones' future to fight for now because they get me in the few raw places I am weak, and because no one else ever would.
[He drags a hand down his face.]
You think I'm dismissive of everyone who disagrees just because I'm angry at you. Complacent isn't the same as apathetic. Complacent is the natural human state. People learn to bear what they must. People can be very good and not willing to push for change. If the system is designed insidiously enough, people can be completely right, that rocking the boat will cause bloodshed and suffering and only catastrophic destruction could succeed in truly changing things. But when the ship is being steered by a colder monster into pack-ice to starve everyone for generation after generation, the better to suck the marrow from their bones - then yes. I am going to call down catastrophe. I will burn the rigging and learn to swim. As carefully as I can, but I will fucking do it.
You can't wake me up, Rhys, because I am skullfucking awake. I am aware of the costs. I have suffered more than you can imagine, more than I could have imagined before it happened, for the chance to wake other people up to the course our world was on, to the truth that it didn't have to be what it was. I don't think less of you for being wary of catastrophe. But I do think less of you for being so proud of your certainty that everyone in history in every circumstance willing to burn something rotten to the ground is equally deluded, and every horror on every world is equally balanced and - ennobled and made worthwhile by the proud struggles underneath it, and so no one should ever try.