therushingsky | IC Contact Post

[Hey that's exactly how Rhys feels. Stretched out and trying to be fine with all of this even though he's not.]

No one would stick to it. I don't want him to lose anyone. I don't want to mess up his life. I just can't be in it. Merry Xmas to 5's!

j is on 24/7 watch for more of that but once he is off i am going to bring you the best fucking christmas cake

ooooh, cake. I can't wait.

[Pause. Slightly too long.]

are we okay?

idk. it feels like kind of your call. i would like to make you christmas cake, and call you when I'm thinking of drinking, and fly with you in the enclosure, and feel regretful of the fact that you're with my ex inmate and that I kind of weirdly hope to be your warden one day But I share my life with a man who betrayed your trust in explicit, violent terms. So it would be completely understandable if you decided I was not your circus, not your monkeys.

I didn't know you felt regretful about that stuff?[Also, you want to be his warden? Cute.

But he's deliberately focusing on the small things here, because:]

I really don't want to lose both of you at the same time.

[And even though he made the call, he told Jedao that he didn't want answers or recomphense, it still feels like he lost the other man against his will. It feels like he just found out that whatever love Jedao has for him could just be switched off, and then switched back on when it becomes convenient again.]

But it's not just my call. I now have weird, complicated-- bad blood-feeling-y relationships with the two most important people on this ship to you, and I'd love to pretend that it's just because people are jealous of me because I'm so pretty, but but you still have to be able to live with that as well.and it's awkward.

They have Things with a lot of the people I care about. Bill. Jon. Lark. Credence (improved somewhat.) You. I know why and most days it's easy not to hold it against them. But I also feel like if I lived my life by the rules of their trauma and mistrust that there wouldn't be people left in my life any more. And I made a promise a long time ago not to let the relationships diminish me, and part of who I am and what I like about myself is my ability to connect to weird people. So I am both practiced at living with it and motivated to continue doing so.

wow that's a pretty long list for a guy who tortures and murders people on the semi-reg to think he's better than.

sorry

sorry sorry sorry sorry that was really shitty it's not like you're in a great place right now either.

I'm still death tolling and my arm isn't back online yet. I really don't want to say any of the horrible shit I have to say to you, because it's not for you, or at you, or about you, but it's just all just sitting in my brain right now wanting to come out and just-- maybe we should talk later?

No, like. The opposite. It's weirdly validating. I keep wanting to grab them both and scream it in their faces and I can't right now because it would make me a huge asshole. Is Elijah helping with your arm? I would promise to help on but the truth is I visited Lark earlier and he asked me one semi-complex question and I started crying hysterically into my soldier toast, so I should not be working with complex machinery. I am super gracious, together, and adult right now.

He said something about Bill, when he contacted me. The vibe was like: "If being my friend is too much of a risk then I'll be angry and hurt because you're still friends with Bill and he's done way worse things than this, but hey it's up to you!" And I wanted to get a megaphone and like, scream in his face that Bill has never hurt me. Like, not once. But also, Bill doesn't just tell you stories about how dangerous he is in a whole different universe and then in this universe cry on your shoulder, or put his head in your lap, or make you think that he's

[He has to stop for a minute.]

It's not like he isn't complicated, but if Bill decided he needed to turn me inside out because of some extremely complicated scheme[...Actually, you know what?]

I was going to say "I feel like I'd been warned", but you know what, I actually don't think he even would at this point. I think he'd make a different scheme. Oh, and the hardware's fine. It's something to do with-- connective tissue and nerves and stuff. I'm talking to Harry about it.

Edited 2019-12-09 16:19 (UTC)

I'll talk to him about it when he can think again. Thank you though Rhys- please don't stop hanging out with me. I need the sanity check. I'll bring you that cake asap?

You don't have too. I guess I'm just the same as you. I want to say it our loud without actually having a huge ethical debate with him, because I know if I do I'll just end up--

[He wants to say falling back in love with him, but that's not really what he means. It's a step too far.]

Falling back into his orbit. In his gravity. Thanks, Quentin. Can't w8 for c8ke x

He's magnetic and if you let him anywhere near your heart he'll turn your life upside down, either in the best way imaginable or by destroying all of it. GET SOME REST make Elijah spoil you

Yeah. Be careful okay? Feel free to come over if you need to cry about toast again xxx

Will do. Text if ANYTHING. But seriously- goodnight.

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