therushingsky | IC Contact Post

I'm Crowned With Eyes. I don't expect you to understand or care what that means. But it is not unlike being psychic, and it is not comfortable.

You want me to wake up because I've lost focus, and everyone in history who's been in my place - which you know so much about - is even relevant, but you're not at all implying that it's the same?

I wish my universe never existed, not as it did for a good four hundred years before my birth. I would happily be erased. And I didn't have a bad life, until I made the first real moves to unhinge the Calendar in earnest. But I cannot remember the first time I saw someone publicly tortured to death. And when I was a kid I thought it was loud, and boring. And normal. That's just what happens. They're just heretics. Everyone knew that.

No exaggerations, no inferences. You said even garbage universes deserve to exist. And I think you're just wrong. Mine didn't, and neither did I, and neither did anyone else who watched and was warped by watching, forcing themselves to accept and believe it was normal and safe and good. And the ones who couldn't do it ended up on the table themselves.

Universes deserve nothing. Only people deserve anything, and we can't always give it to them. Maybe your anarchy isn't as impossible to improve without ripping up the foundations as the Heptarchate's ubiquitous and terrible control. That seems plausible to me. But you don't get to speak for all worlds. And when you put your own single wish to live against the possible infinity of warped future lives, it strikes me as - natural, understandable, but selfish.

[And because he is something very close to psychic, "I'll save the rest" is enough for him to cock his head -]

When you make your deal, make sure to leave Palpatine out, please. Or he'll poison whatever refugee utopia you think you can make work just as well as he did the galaxy the first time around.

Yeah, well, I kinda think that, if you're looking in from the outside, at the single lives of people who are all clinging desperately to existence, and decide to take it away because you think you figure out something better-- I guess I think that's selfish too.

[He doesn't say this with any malice though, if anything he just sounds tired.]

I think that must be like-- I don't want to say a species thing, but. An us thing. Like, I get that you're not going to see it like that.

And your psychic powers are super busted, dude. I'm not going to tell you all the ways you're wrong, because I don't want you to feel bad, but you're way off.

[Pause]

Could I grab you in person for five minutes.

Edited 2019-01-18 05:40 (UTC)

Maybe it is. For all the good it ever did me.

[Sharply, wistfully wry. But he's being selfish over the clones. He wants them for him, he always wanted children, he's going to have a million and all he has to do is steal them and rewrite history.]

They aren't - exactly -

[He shakes his head.]

Nevermind. Sure. Where?

[He mostly figures Rhys is finally going to punch him after all, but whatever. Sure. Fine.]

Just, come by my cabin?

If that's what you want.

See you soon, Rhys.

[It's a few minutes before he knocks.]

[Rhys's door opens, and he's there. A little red eyed and weary looking.]

Hey.

[He gives Jedao a whole ten seconds to get used to that, before Rhys takes a step forward and just-- wraps one arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug.]

I'm sorry for shouting at you.

[Jedao looks...tired, and sad. His eyes aren't red but his shoulders sag a little under his uniform. He waits like he's bracing for something.

When the hug comes, he's still for a moment of pure surprise, then melts into it, tucks his face into the crook of Rhys's neck, arms coming up to cling back tightly. He takes slow, deep breaths as he holds on, not quite letting himself shudder.]

I'm sorry for...calling you things.

[Even if he hadn't meant Rhys specifically, or Rhys as a person, with all of them - well, all the more reason to apologize.]

[It's cool, Rhys can shudder for both of them, because they just had a roaring argument about the fate of billions of lives, and he absolutely doesn't feel qualified to be making some of the decisions he's been making here.

But whatever. Better egoism than apathy, right?]

I'm sorry your home world jacked you up so bad.

[Mumbled into Jedao's shoulder.]

You're not a monster, man.

[oh god damn it, is he crying? He's such a wuss. The only redeeming fact is that Jedao can't see.]

[Jedao manages to stop clinging with one hand long enough to stroke a slow, soothing hand down Rhys's back, even as he takes a hitching, wavering sort of breath, followed by a raggedy sigh.]

Just a fucking psycho then?

The word doesn't matter. I'm not....good. No one has to be delicate about it.

Who's delicate, dude? I'm saying-- look, yeah, so I don't think it's good, but like--

[Ugh, how to say this in a way that won't start them both fighting again?]

It's like, that lever thing, right? You're on a train, and the train's going to crash, unless you pull the lever to put it onto a different track. But if you pull the lever, it's going to run some people down. And-- there isn't a right answer. Like, that's the point. Then, the second part of the question is: What if someone you love is on the train?

[All of this is muttered into Jedao's shoulder.]

Might be Psycho, but it's a really normal kind of psycho. Especially when it's kids.

[Jedao has not really been exposed to the wonderful world of trolleyology. But he can pick up the gist.]

You have to kill the guy laying the train tracks, obviously.

[Which is easier to say than I put everyone I loved on the train just to get to the switch.]

If there's no right answer, you have to change the question.

Edited 2019-01-20 00:22 (UTC)

Yeah. That's why you're not a monster.

[Because everyone would pull the switch if they loved the people on the trolley.]

Just, regular bad like the rest of us.

[He wouldn't. He didn't. He killed everyone, fucking up the scenario.

He goes a little bit stiff, even as his hands clutch fistfuls of Rhys's clothes. It sounds awful and narcissistic, I'm not like the rest of you. But before Fives, he was so, so alone.]

I don't understand why you're so invested in this word.

I don't know, it just--

Feels very-- locked in, a word like that.

[He feels Jedao tense, and lifts a hand to rub in slow, reassuring circles on the other man's back, trying to soothe away some ember of his distress.]

[There's a long quiet where Jedao doesn't say what he's thinking.]

Why?

Well, a monster is a thing you are. Like a cat is always going to do what a cat does, and not worry about it, because that's it's nature. A monster's always going to do certain things because that's it's nature.

You made a decision, and you did something shitty and difficult, and you're still hurting because of it. That's some real people shit. You just had to do it on a really scary, enormous scale.

I feel like this is not really a nuanced understanding of how fuckin' weird cats can be.

[Truculent mumbling more than real argument.]

People are animals too. We have natures. Some parts of people are terrible.

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